Twenty years into our marriage I suggested to my husband that we start a business together in real estate investing. I've always had an interest in partnering up with him because together we had excellent skills, creative talent and loads of fun, depending on what we were doing. The draw back to this idea was that this was my perspective not his.
After rehabbing a few homes we agreed it could be more than a hobby so I jumped to action and started our first small business. While I worked with innovative ways to create the business, my husband began to reject moving forward with it. There was some underlying issue that he couldn't explain and over time he closed up rather than help me run our company.
Can you see what was happening?
I took something that he felt was a fun hobby and turned it into a full time responsibility. We worked together in that business for a few years but not without many hurdles of adversity through closed minds or attitudes. My husband had every right to be upset, and even though his lack of communication didn't help us to process the right decisions, it was time for me to see the big picture and accept responsibility for it.
I knew I had to make changes that meant either going it alone (which I was adamantly opposed to doing at that time) or convince my husband to change his attitude. Which do you think was easier?
If this sounds like your situation, its time to get it sorted out before any more time is wasted. Below are a few ideas I want to share with you in hopes you can avoid some of the "Entrepreneurial Marriage Mess" we fell into.
1. Remind yourself you are worth it - If you want to own your own company but your spouse doesn't seem supportive, sit down alone and come up with your reasons of why you believe it is worth the risk to follow your dreams and do what you are meant to do. The more time you give to your personal sustainability (spiritually, mentally, emotionally & physically) the more you will be able to give to others and this includes your spouse.
2. Be willing to understand - Your spouse may not want to take the risk. Find out what the underlying reasons are, perhaps they were hurt by someone else who made them feel unworthy or unloved when they had a previous business. Perhaps they are fearful of the financial commitment. Give them permission to feel the fear and lovingly help them move through it over coming a fear of lack, fear of being a victim of loss, of being out of control or out of balance. If your spouse is open to it engage in educational materials to combat the fears.
3. Be patient - Any change you are wanting to see, whether in yourself or your relationship, will only come with time.
4. Be responsible for your feelings, what you say and how you act - You cannot be responsible for your mate's feelings, thoughts or actions but you are responsible for your own. Recognize the difference.
5. Be accountable to your mate - Ask them on a scale of measurement (1 - 10) if they feel listened to, loved and respected by you and ask them to help you stay accountable to them no matter how busy you get.
6. Keep a date night at least once a month - No talk of work, just you and your spouse. Keep it light, be sure to know what their likes and dislikes are so you are thinking of them and not yourself.
7. Know you can do it alone - You don't need your spouse on board in your business, but you do want them on board with the idea of supporting you in your business. There is a huge difference. Ask your spouse how they would like to be supportive of you and allow the flow of that conversation to come naturally.
My husband and I now have two completely different companies; he is in still investing in our old company and I opened another business that was more "ME" and developed my purpose. We also feel we have a terrific marriage and if we didn't before going through those few years of trials, we might not have survived.
The head must learn to bow to the heart if your business, your parenting, or your marriage is going to last.
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Tuesday, October 20, 2009
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